| [ EnglishOnly ] in KIDS 글 쓴 이(By): soul (길양이) 날 짜 (Date): 2004년 2월 5일 목요일 오전 06시 25분 12초 제 목(Title): note. ..An Asian-American college student was reported to have jumped to her death from her dormitory window. Her body was found two days later under a deep cover of snow. Her suicide note contained an apology to her parents for having recieved less than a perfect four point grade average... How many notes written... ink smeared like birdprints in snow. not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough dear mother and father. I apologize for disappointing you. I've worked hard, not good enough harder, perhaps to please you. If only I were a son, shoulders broad as the sunset threading through pine, I would see the light in my mother's eyes, or the golden pride reflected in my father's dream of my wide, male hands worthy of work and comfort I would swagger through life muscled and assured, drawing praises to me like currents in the bed of wind, virile with confidence. not good enough not strong enough not good enough I apologize. Tasks do not come easily. Each failure, a glacier. Each disapproval, a bootprint. Each disappointment, ice above my river. So, I have worked hard. not good enough My sacrifice I will drop bone by bone, perched on the ledge of my womanhood, fragile as wings. not strong enough It is snowing steadily surely not good weather for flying - this sparrow sillied and dizzied by the wind on the edge. not smart enough I make this ledge my altar to offer penance. This air will not hold me, the snow burdens my crippled wings, my tears drop like bitter cloth softly into the gutter below. not good enough not strong enough not smart enough Choices thin as shaved ice. Notes shredded drift like snow on my broken body, cover me like whispers of sorries sorries. Perhaps when they find me they will bury my bird bones beneath a sturdy pine and scatter my feathers like unspoken song over this white and cold and silent breast of earth. by Janice Mirikitani |